Its been a few months since my last entry. A few moments ago I had my third extremely aggressive and violent outbreak since my diagnosis of PTSD. I had hoped I wouldn't have had one at all, but it was stupid to hope that I guess.
The first was about 6 weeks ago, a few weeks after me and my girlfriend had split up and that was in public sight, and it terrified me how fast I lost control. The urge to just flip a desk and shout at everyone, or break someone was so real, at scary levels but I managed to just resist it, I don't think my classmates new how bad it was all for me until that point and it must have been hard, I don't know what I would have done in their shoes. The second was Boxing Day, almost out of nowhere; a simple disagreement that tipped me and I shouted at my sister, something I rarely do unless I feel so threatened that I have no choice and I had to leave the room and didn't want anybody to touch me or come near me for fear that I might hurt them out lash out. The third, and most recent one was just now... New Years Day. I've had a disagreement with one of my closest friends and I went for a walk, seemed fine and then I got back and completely out of nowhere had a flashback of dad, specifically, that morning again. I've been having very, very graphic nightmares and flashbacks of that day and exaggerations in my mind and I just now completely flipped and through a glass across the room and started crying.
I've calmed down a little now and feel that I need to write about it, a lot of people have been so nice to me and proud of me for being so open about it all, I'm a little scared of being around groups of people in case I lose control again, even those I hold most dear. It's actually terrifying, the medication I'm on is helping though, slowly but steadily. I need those people closest to me to stick around even if they see me like this sometime, I can't help it and certainly do not want it, sometimes I have to just 'give in' without sounding poetic, because that is what it is.
Shout out to all the rest of you with PTSD, other mental illnesses and just anyone having a bad day!
