Entry 01.

One scariest thing about having a mind in a state like this, is there are even stages with in depression which are better or worse. Firstly there is the actual feeling depression's effects one day, and then with in that there is another line between bad and worse. 

Because apparently just having depression wasn't enough for this mind, has to be a whole lot worse. Another incredibly terrifying thing is you are not in control, and to me, someone with KS and Aspergers who likes to have some routine and control over my own thoughts that is the worst part, how unstable you can become without knowing it's coming or having really any say in the matter. It also effects you physically so anyone who says otherwise clearly has no freaking idea what they're talking about, due to my depression and anxiety I've lost nearly 3 stone over the summer. I might start writing a blog with regular notes and insights into my mind, or however far into it I can get. 

This morning was a scare, a real scare, doesn't get much more real than that without actually following through and doing the act, I was at 9 out of 10. My therapist told me I should tell more people, not so much an explanation because I don't feel I need to explain myself and I shouldn't have to about the last few months and why the events of it all have effected me so much, but so more people can try to get a wider understanding of what it is like to be around someone who is suicidal, It's a real and terrifying thing. And don't tell someone that it's selfish, really if someone has gotten that far down the line they have probably considered that and it's not going to make them want to stop it's going to do the opposite. 

So I am writing this status, and I will put it as my first entry into the blog so that I don't have to tell everyone individually.