A lot of people misunderstand what having depression means, a lot of people seem to think that if someone has depression they can't be happy, or have moments of joy with laughter that is not the case. During the timeline of my depression I still have moments, and these can be anything from minutes to sometimes days where I don't necessarily feel the illness in me and I think that's where (some) people get confused.
I wake up most mornings with my heart racing and panicked due to my anxiety but also worried, self-loathing, feeling alone, empty, emotional and the last month or so especially; suicidal. A few of those stay with me throughout the day, feeling alone and abandoned especially. It doesn't matter if I am with one other or surrounded by people I can still feel alone, or unwanted but that doesn't mean I don't have days, or times in the day where I feel happy because sometimes I do but there is such a ridiculous amount of things that can instantly switch off that emotion and turn on hatred for yourself. Remember that if someone who has a mental illness is happy, it doesn't mean they're 'cured'. Depression takes your biggest fears and highlights them in-front of your eyes, at the top of your mind and makes you feel there is nothing you can do to stop them, one of my fears that has only come from the depression and formed in the last few months is I have a fear of closed doors under a certain circumstance and I also have a fear of letting my loved ones down. I will go on to explain;
In the summer on the 28th of June I lost my dad which most of my friends know about but what they don't know is that on top of that I found him. My mum and sister were away for that weekend so me and dad had a normal evening the night before, had his favourite meal and watched some Ridley Scott films and he went to bed, I went up soon after that too and the next morning I brought him a mug of tea and the door was closed, I didn't really think anything of it but thinking back afterwards I should have, my dad (like me) liked his routine and he never slept very late, once he was awake he would get up and open the curtains and the door so the dogs could go and see him. The door was closed, I went in and placed the mug down on the bed-side counter and nudged my dad thinking he was asleep I then went over to the curtains and opened them and as I turned around my dad was still laying there in what I could only imagine was an extremely uncomfortable sleeping position. I went over to him and pushed him again, I should have paid more attention to the dogs who were laying on the floor, whining and I'd never seen this before but I didn't, there was no breathing and his face was cold so he was dead but at the time I held onto a slither of imagination that he might be alive so I lifted him off the bed and phoned the ambulance while performing CPR.
Soon after the paramedics arrived they pronounced him dead and I had lost my father, still to this day no matter what people tell me I still think I could have done something, or saved him but I failed. Since that a fear has emerged that is only triggered in certain times, mornings normally when I wake up and don't know if those people I care the most about are still here either.
That haunts me every day, the idea that I could have done more, I feel like I should have. I've prepared my self for physical dangers, I have several belts across different martial arts, I did a lot of airsoft and survival games, I even learned skills at scouts that would help but all the biggest problems so far in my life have been emotional and there's no amount of physical training that can prepare you do that. I also worry that I'm not good enough, for anything or anyone and that is a very, very real thing. Even when people comfort me and tell me I am I still have trouble thinking it myself, I over think everything and then get worked up and I more often than not feel alone or unwanted. I do still have times where I am happy, sometimes days where I don't think about the darker 'demons' inside me, and some people would take that as they don't need to do anything else if I can be happy for a few days then why not forever; I wish it worked like that, I really did. I can not say how much it means to the people that over the last few weeks/month that have been there to help, I do listen to all of you even if it seems like I don't, I'm sure you have your own problems too, everyone does but you guys and girls that have gone out of your way (even the ones I rarely talk too) to see if I'm okay, it's small things that really make a big difference like reassurance and compliments, even if you're sick of saying them and think it's trivial I will tell you know that they are not. One of my natural defence mechanisms is to push everyone away, everyone and to test the bridges that keep people close to me, I self-doubt a huge amount, I can't explain how much I self-doubt myself, I guess you could say that's another fear and because of the depression I can't be rid of it. I don't even mean to test the bridges that connect people to me, but I do it, to see if they really care. To see if they are really still going to be there throughout it all.
Fear is a very real thing in depression, and it must be hard to try and see it from someone's eyes who is experiencing it but try your best. It's very real and it's everyday. I worry so much that if I turn down plans or invites then people will just think that I don't want to see them, or go out and sometimes I don't want to go out but most of the time it's because I can't bring my mind to think it's a good idea, that it might be good for me.
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