Entry 03.

Every time I write one of these entries I ask myself "What are you feeling today". It's been a few days since my last entry, a few weeks actually. Haven't felt able to write much recently.

Doubtful, self doubt is what I'm feeling today. I have a deadline for an illustration project on this coming Tuesday, the 13th. 

We have to create an image to accompany an article called Original Sin which is about the disappearance of 43 students in Mexico while also painting us an extremely vast, graphic and dark picture about how violent it really is over there, with the cartels and police wars, the government under increasingly more and more pressure from United Nations, and now on top, the younger generations are finally saying they've had enough and are starting to rise up. Now I have 2 ideas for my piece which I've been told are both great ones, one more than the other but I'd like to try both before I make a decision and take one to the last stage for my final image. All day I've been trying to draw out the rough template before applying water colour and charcoal, I was originally going to use drawing ink on a brush to create harsh strokes, but I decided against it and to use charcoal instead to create a sort of dusty, dirty feel and look to the piece... But I can't stop doubting myself and my capabilities today and I know that that is kind of a creative block (similar to writers wall) but also the depression. All through last year I tried to become more kind to myself with my drawing style, because before uni I really did just compare myself to others' work and felt awful about everything. I tried, but with not much success and then in the summer I started to try and boost my confidence with drawing, using a lot of pencil which I really don't like using, and practicing my proportions, shading and textures with most of my drawing and then after my dad died it felt like everything I had achieved was erased, I have become even more self conscious about my ability compared to my friends, and girlfriend's abilities and skills. Even when I am not comparing myself to others I still feel like my work, my effort isn't good enough so I start a drawing and then not even half way through I hate it and feel I need to start again.

I need to get past this, and I am taking small steps as the doubt that I think of when this happens has arrived from other sources and my therapy each week is slowly but surely helping me push those feelings back, locking them away. I am also actually proud of myself with the research, I do struggle when my effort isn't acknowledged and I put a lot of effort into the research of this project, not just about art styles but about the cartels themselves and the nitty-gritty details of crime in Mexico and I'm proud of that. Praise for any of my work goes a long well at the moment, praise might be the wrong word; hearing good things about it is what I'm trying to say. 

The whole point of this blog is to really just address my feelings, and I think one of the reasons I can now present in front of my class and others (which is something that last year I couldn't do) is because I'm more open to letting more people know how I am feeling, from this blog and just in general, telling more people when they ask if I'm okay, before all this I just shut everything away and dealt with it myself.