Entry 04 - PTSD - Outbreaks.

Its been a few months since my last entry. A few moments ago I had my third extremely aggressive and violent outbreak since my diagnosis of PTSD. I had hoped I wouldn't have had one at all, but it was stupid to hope that I guess.

The first was about 6 weeks ago, a few weeks after me and my girlfriend had split up and that was in public sight, and it terrified me how fast I lost control. The urge to just flip a desk and shout at everyone, or break someone was so real, at scary levels but I managed to just resist it, I don't think my classmates new how bad it was all for me until that point and it must have been hard, I don't know what I would have done in their shoes. The second was Boxing Day, almost out of nowhere; a simple disagreement that tipped me and I shouted at my sister, something I rarely do unless I feel so threatened that I have no choice and I had to leave the room and didn't want anybody to touch me or come near me for fear that I might hurt them out lash out. The third, and most recent one was just now... New Years Day. I've had a disagreement with one of my closest friends and I went for a walk, seemed fine and then I got back and completely out of nowhere had a flashback of dad, specifically, that morning again. I've been having very, very graphic nightmares and flashbacks of that day and exaggerations in my mind and I just now completely flipped and through a glass across the room and started crying.

I've calmed down a little now and feel that I need to write about it, a lot of people have been so nice to me and proud of me for being so open about it all, I'm a little scared of being around groups of people in case I lose control again, even those I hold most dear. It's actually terrifying, the medication I'm on is helping though, slowly but steadily. I need those people closest to me to stick around even if they see me like this sometime, I can't help it and certainly do not want it, sometimes I have to just 'give in' without sounding poetic, because that is what it is.

Shout out to all the rest of you with PTSD, other mental illnesses and just anyone having a bad day!

Entry 03.

Every time I write one of these entries I ask myself "What are you feeling today". It's been a few days since my last entry, a few weeks actually. Haven't felt able to write much recently.

Doubtful, self doubt is what I'm feeling today. I have a deadline for an illustration project on this coming Tuesday, the 13th. 

We have to create an image to accompany an article called Original Sin which is about the disappearance of 43 students in Mexico while also painting us an extremely vast, graphic and dark picture about how violent it really is over there, with the cartels and police wars, the government under increasingly more and more pressure from United Nations, and now on top, the younger generations are finally saying they've had enough and are starting to rise up. Now I have 2 ideas for my piece which I've been told are both great ones, one more than the other but I'd like to try both before I make a decision and take one to the last stage for my final image. All day I've been trying to draw out the rough template before applying water colour and charcoal, I was originally going to use drawing ink on a brush to create harsh strokes, but I decided against it and to use charcoal instead to create a sort of dusty, dirty feel and look to the piece... But I can't stop doubting myself and my capabilities today and I know that that is kind of a creative block (similar to writers wall) but also the depression. All through last year I tried to become more kind to myself with my drawing style, because before uni I really did just compare myself to others' work and felt awful about everything. I tried, but with not much success and then in the summer I started to try and boost my confidence with drawing, using a lot of pencil which I really don't like using, and practicing my proportions, shading and textures with most of my drawing and then after my dad died it felt like everything I had achieved was erased, I have become even more self conscious about my ability compared to my friends, and girlfriend's abilities and skills. Even when I am not comparing myself to others I still feel like my work, my effort isn't good enough so I start a drawing and then not even half way through I hate it and feel I need to start again.

I need to get past this, and I am taking small steps as the doubt that I think of when this happens has arrived from other sources and my therapy each week is slowly but surely helping me push those feelings back, locking them away. I am also actually proud of myself with the research, I do struggle when my effort isn't acknowledged and I put a lot of effort into the research of this project, not just about art styles but about the cartels themselves and the nitty-gritty details of crime in Mexico and I'm proud of that. Praise for any of my work goes a long well at the moment, praise might be the wrong word; hearing good things about it is what I'm trying to say. 

The whole point of this blog is to really just address my feelings, and I think one of the reasons I can now present in front of my class and others (which is something that last year I couldn't do) is because I'm more open to letting more people know how I am feeling, from this blog and just in general, telling more people when they ask if I'm okay, before all this I just shut everything away and dealt with it myself. 

Entry 02. - Fear.

A lot of people misunderstand what having depression means, a lot of people seem to think that if someone has depression they can't be happy, or have moments of joy with laughter that is not the case. During the timeline of my depression I still have moments, and these can be anything from minutes to sometimes days where I don't necessarily feel the illness in me and I think that's where (some) people get confused.

I wake up most mornings with my heart racing and panicked due to my anxiety but also worried, self-loathing, feeling alone, empty, emotional and the last month or so especially; suicidal. A few of those stay with me throughout the day, feeling alone and abandoned especially. It doesn't matter if I am with one other or surrounded by people I can still feel alone, or unwanted but that doesn't mean I don't have days, or times in the day where I feel happy because sometimes I do but there is such a ridiculous amount of things that can instantly switch off that emotion and turn on hatred for yourself. Remember that if someone who has a mental illness is happy, it doesn't mean they're 'cured'. Depression takes your biggest fears and highlights them in-front of your eyes, at the top of your mind and makes you feel there is nothing you can do to stop them, one of my fears that has only come from the depression and formed in the last few months is I have a fear of closed doors under a certain circumstance and I also have a fear of letting my loved ones down. I will go on to explain;

In the summer on the 28th of June I lost my dad which most of my friends know about but what they don't know is that on top of that I found him. My mum and sister were away for that weekend so me and dad  had a normal evening the night before, had his favourite meal and watched some Ridley Scott films and he went to bed, I went up soon after that too and the next morning I brought him a mug of tea and the door was closed, I didn't really think anything of it but thinking back afterwards I should have, my dad (like me) liked his routine and he never slept very late, once he was awake he would get up and open the curtains and the door so the dogs could go and see him. The door was closed, I went in and placed the mug down on the bed-side counter and nudged my dad thinking he was asleep I then went over to the curtains and opened them and as I turned around my dad was still laying there in what I could only imagine was an extremely uncomfortable sleeping position. I went over to him and pushed him again, I should have paid more attention to the dogs who were laying on the floor, whining and I'd never seen this before but I didn't, there was no breathing and his face was cold so he was dead but at the time I held onto a slither of imagination that he might be alive so I lifted him off the bed and phoned the ambulance while performing CPR.
Soon after the paramedics arrived they pronounced him dead and I had lost my father, still to this day no matter what people tell me I still think I could have done something, or saved him but I failed. Since that a fear has emerged that is only triggered in certain times, mornings normally when I wake up and don't know if those people I care the most about are still here either. 

That haunts me every day, the idea that I could have done more, I feel like I should have. I've prepared my self for physical dangers, I have several belts across different martial arts, I did a lot of airsoft and survival games, I even learned skills at scouts that would help but all the biggest problems so far in my life have been emotional and there's no amount of physical training that can prepare you do that. I also worry that I'm not good enough, for anything or anyone and that is a very, very real thing. Even when people comfort me and tell me I am I still have trouble thinking it myself, I over think everything and then get worked up and I more often than not feel alone or unwanted. I do still have times where I am happy, sometimes days where I don't think about the darker 'demons' inside me, and some people would take that as they don't need to do anything else if I can be happy for a few days then why not forever; I wish it worked like that, I really did. I can not say how much it means to the people that over the last few weeks/month that have been there to help, I do listen to all of you even if it seems like I don't, I'm sure you have your own problems too, everyone does but you guys and girls that have gone out of your way (even the ones I rarely talk too) to see if I'm okay, it's small things that really make a big difference like reassurance and compliments, even if you're sick of saying them and think it's trivial I will tell you know that they are not. One of my natural defence mechanisms is to push everyone away, everyone and to test the bridges that keep people close to me, I self-doubt a huge amount, I can't explain how much I self-doubt myself, I guess you could say that's another fear and because of the depression I can't be rid of it. I don't even mean to test the bridges that connect people to me, but I do it, to see if they really care. To see if they are really still going to be there throughout it all. 

Fear is a very real thing in depression, and it must be hard to try and see it from someone's eyes who is experiencing it but try your best. It's very real and it's everyday. I worry so much that if I turn down plans or invites then people will just think that I don't want to see them, or go out and sometimes I don't want to go out but most of the time it's because I can't bring my mind to think it's a good idea, that it might be good for me.

Entry 01.

One scariest thing about having a mind in a state like this, is there are even stages with in depression which are better or worse. Firstly there is the actual feeling depression's effects one day, and then with in that there is another line between bad and worse. 

Because apparently just having depression wasn't enough for this mind, has to be a whole lot worse. Another incredibly terrifying thing is you are not in control, and to me, someone with KS and Aspergers who likes to have some routine and control over my own thoughts that is the worst part, how unstable you can become without knowing it's coming or having really any say in the matter. It also effects you physically so anyone who says otherwise clearly has no freaking idea what they're talking about, due to my depression and anxiety I've lost nearly 3 stone over the summer. I might start writing a blog with regular notes and insights into my mind, or however far into it I can get. 

This morning was a scare, a real scare, doesn't get much more real than that without actually following through and doing the act, I was at 9 out of 10. My therapist told me I should tell more people, not so much an explanation because I don't feel I need to explain myself and I shouldn't have to about the last few months and why the events of it all have effected me so much, but so more people can try to get a wider understanding of what it is like to be around someone who is suicidal, It's a real and terrifying thing. And don't tell someone that it's selfish, really if someone has gotten that far down the line they have probably considered that and it's not going to make them want to stop it's going to do the opposite. 

So I am writing this status, and I will put it as my first entry into the blog so that I don't have to tell everyone individually.